This is a piece of my journey in recovery, in regards to doctors, psychiatrists, medications, and fighting for my human rights.
For years, I had struggled with mental health and substance abuse challenges. Also for years, I had seen many different psychiatrists and had been told to take many different medications. I remember going to these doctors in desperation regarding symptoms, and I remember not being listened to. I would sit across from them and explain what was going on, and I was usually met with a smug and quick response. I was generally hurried out and was told that I was a very sick person and to take this or that with little, but more frequently, no explanation. I would usually have questions about what I was given and would receive little or no answer. Those years were very frustrating and had a feeling of hopelessness for me. There was a feel, in the interaction with the doctor, that somehow I did not know what I was saying or what I was saying was not accurate or to be believed because I had a mental health diagnosis. I felt as though I lost my voice as a human being to be heard because of the stigma attached to serious mental illness. I remember thinking, ‘wait a minute, I know what I am talking about! Someone please listen to me!’ and during that time, the more I attempted to advocate for myself, it seemed like the stronger my voice was silenced. Or that, maybe the “voice” that I had was a symptom of a psychiatric disorder. That particular type of hostility from the doctors towards me, I believe, began to interfere with how I thought of myself as well. I began on some level, to believe, that perhaps my “voice” was me just being “crazy”, maybe I wasn’t worth being heard.
To the best of my ability during that time, I tried to explain what was going on with the medications that were not working and asking to try something else or just wanting to know more about my illness. It was clear that these questions were not okay. I began to see the doctor and the psychiatrist as the enemy, certainly not as a figure that could help me. I continued to struggle for many years. The other solution I held onto to manage my symptoms was to continue to self medicate with drugs and alcohol. I do believe that my journey to wellness and recovery was greatly extended and a lot more difficult because I felt I could not be helped by psychiatrists. Finally, at the end of the road, so to speak, I found myself in a position where I had to find other solutions to drugs and alcohol.
At that point I had had several different stints in various institutions including a few months stay in county jail. Drugs and alcohol did not work anymore, and I had to revisit what had always been a terrible experience; sitting and talking with the psychiatrist. My first encounter with the doctor, after almost dying, began the same it always had. I sat timid and anxious in front of her and she stared at me waiting for me to begin talking. So I did. Really quickly into this particular encounter it became clear to this psychiatrist that something had drastically changed within me even before I started explaining what that was. For the first time, I was being listened to. I think what had struck the doctor about me was that it was clear I had been beaten down nearly to death by alcoholism and mental health challenges. I can only guess that having seen such a decline in a person startled her into being quiet for a minute. At that time I was also determined to get better and the sense of that, I know, was emanating off of me. Also, I thank God for this doctor, because this being my first time back to the patients chair, if it had gone really badly again, I don’t know that I would have continued to pursue help within psychiatry. I would have continued to pursue help probably, but my hope in doctors and being able to be heard may have been lost forever.
I continued to see this particular doctor for several months, and she respected my choice to NOT take medication for a period of time. For several reasons, WE decided that I would go un-medicated until WE decided that I should go back on them. This was a turning point in my recovery. I finally had a choice in my treatment plan. I was allowed to voice what I felt was best for me, based on my past experience and what I had just gone through. I was finally given dignity back as a person with a diagnosis of Serious Mental Illness. I was never told by this woman that I had made a bad decision, I was never given any sort of ultimatum, and the help she offered to me was unconditional. It was not based on whether or not I complied with what SHE thought was in my best interest. I would leave our office visits feeling better than I did before we began, instead of feeling less than human. Then of course the day came when I was moved to another clinic, which meant, a new doctor.
My first visit with this new woman was eerily similar to my worst experiences I had had with doctors in the past. Every time I began to speak, she cut me off, and a few times she rolled her eyes. She appeared to be over worked and horribly desensitized. The worst part of this particular experience was during my first visit with her. I had my son with me who was three years old at the time. There were also several other people in the room when she began initiating discussion about abuses I had gone through as a child, including sexual abuse. For a minute I was so shocked that this was happening, I became frozen. It was clear that as a person with a serious mental illness diagnosis, I did not get the rights of privacy, courtesy, consideration or gentleness around such huge issues. I told her “I do not feel comfortable discussing this with my child in here”. Again she rolled her eyes and proceeded with the conversation. Finally I said “I am NOT going to talk about this with my child in here”. She got the point, and we rescheduled.
I still see this same doctor and our journey together has just about come full circle. I have had to work extremely hard to prove myself to her. To prove myself as competent enough to at first have a voice in the decisions about my treatment plan, and finally to have final say in what is best for me. I have had to prove my intelligence to her; I have had to prove that the choices I make for myself work and have worked for the entire time I have been in recovery. And the bottom line is that I have had to prove that I am not just a person who has been diagnosed with a mental illness, but a human being worthy of being heard and trusted with a role in their own recovery. At present, this doctor seems to still struggle with treating me with fairness. I recently read some notes she had written about me, and on them she noted that I have only been “partially” compliant with treatment. The truth of the matter is that I have done everything she has asked me to do. Probably the only difference between me and another patient of hers who is “fully” compliant with treatment, is that I have taken action in participating in my own treatment. A note in closing for those who may take medication: I realize, especially after working in behavioral health, that a decision to NOT be on medication absolutely does not work for everyone. In fact in a lot of cases it would be a grave error to make that choice. That is only what I chose and it worked for me. Also, I do take one medication currently, and it has been extremely helpful to me in my recovery.
